


TIES THAT BIND

by vanhunks



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-23 15:10:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7468476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanhunks/pseuds/vanhunks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A marriage under fire. Kathryn, married to Chakotay, becomes pregnant with Jaffen's child. How does Chakotay deal with this? Set after the events of Workforce.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Timeline** : This story is set following the events of "Workforce", and from there it veers into AU. There is no "Endgame" scenario, and what I've done was make their journey approximately eight years instead of the seven of the actual [canon] timeline. Once you're into reading the story, you'll realise why. 
> 
> **The Premise** : To pull off this story, I've changed the canon aspect of the episode just a little. In this story, Kathryn and the other Voyager crew **have no recollection of their doings on Quarra** once their memories have been restored, and therefore will rely only on official logs of their time spent there and aspects relating to mind control. They remember that they were there, that's all. 
> 
> **Disclaimer** : Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay belongs to Paramount.

The morning had started pleasantly enough, with Chakotay insisting she stay in bed, he'd bring her breakfast. They had lots of time, he said, more than enough to linger a little longer and just enjoy one another's company. Then he showed her just how much in love with her he still was. They had remained entwined, bathed in the dreaminess that came with loving at their age. She had drifted into a slumber until he woke her with a kiss and gently reminded her that they had a full afternoon to spend at the Academy and that Edward was already there. She had wanted to chide him for not waking her sooner; instead, she had given a sigh of delight, unable to remain mad at Chakotay for long. She had been tired from the previous day's preparations and he had sensed that she needed to relax before the afternoon's events. He had always sensed her needs, always knew just how to make her feel like a queen, always made sure she was well rested before any big event. 

Edward had indeed been there along with all the other final year cadets, and she had hardly had time to have a word with him before the ceremony started. Chakotay must have hailed him very early this morning, since he and Elizabeth had been staying over at their grandmother who declared flatly, "Your son is eating me out of house and home, Chakotay. Elizabeth, I daresay, eats like a bird." 

Kathryn had wanted Edward to stay home before the big day, but father and son were equally adamant that he was all grown now, and Mother and Father didn't need to baby him and fatten him up. Kathryn hadn't wanted to burst their bubble by stating it was okay for Edward to eat his grandmother out of house and home and that it was okay to stay overnight at Grandma's place, but not okay to be seen still staying in his parents' home. Grandma Gretchen, all of ninety, was Edward's most favourite individual after his parents, he always stated. Kathryn gave another sigh. No one mentioned it, but Edward loved to keep an eye on his grandmother without ever making it too obvious that she was frail and needed someone to watch over her. 

Seeing all the cadets graduating... Kathryn had seen cadets graduate every year, but today was so special for her and Chakotay. Their son was part of this year's crop of young ensigns, and it was a proud moment, much bigger than she had felt with all her other students over the years. While there were the odd prodigies who sprang up from time to time reminded her of herself, Chakotay, B'Elanna or Tom or Harry Kim, this was different. This year she was a parent, and when Edward received his honours, how could she not have tears in her eyes? 

The day had been a blessing, Kathryn thought as she looked around her outside the Zephram Cochrane Memorial Hall at the Academy. Miral Paris stood with her proud parents and her grandparents. Kathryn watched Harry and Annika fawn over their little Ahn-Li Kim, who at only twenty, was the youngest cadet to graduate. All over the lush grounds, groups of cadets and guardians, parents, well-wishers and family stood around, relishing the freedom of no longer being cadets. Kathryn had come outside as soon as the ceremony ended, preferring to observe the young people from a distance. More than half of the cadets here had come through her hands; she had an affection for each of them. Edward stood with some friends on the wide steps, but broke away from them as soon as he saw his family. 

Edward, blue-eyed, handsome, the ridges on his forehead enhancing the attractiveness of his features. 

Kathryn grinned inwardly. She had hardly been aware that Chakotay and Elizabeth had quietly joined her, and only noticed when he strode hastily towards Edward as he came outside. A warmth spread through Kathryn. Chakotay, now an admiral, his hair mostly grey, his bearing regal as he walked, still looked the most distinguished man. 

"Dad!" Edward cried as Chakotay approached him. The shaking of hands soon turned into embracing as Edward greeted his father. Chakotay patted Edward's back. 

"Congratulations, son. You've made us very proud parents today," he said, his expression a mixture of fatherly pride and sombreness. "Top of your class, huh. Isn't it something a Janeway would do?" 

"Dad, you shower me with too much praise," Edward replied, laughing. "But I owe it to you and Mom. It's been hard, but worth every all-nighter I pulled the last four years!" 

"If I didn't stop her, she'd have kept a vigil by your desk with a cup of black coffee every night." 

"Dad! What would my room mate have said?" 

"Only that you're lucky to have a mother like Kathryn Janeway." 

"And a father like Chakotay," Edward responded calmly. 

Chakotay's jaw twitched. It was a moment Kathryn knew Chakotay experienced every time he looked at Edward and remembered that once, it had been difficult just to look at Edward. Four years of Academy life and now graduating with honours was a breeze compared to how hard Edward fought, how hard she tried... 

Her eyes closed briefly, the lids stemming the burn of tears. Quickly she tried to subdue the rushing emotion and opened her eyes again. Looking at them now, seeing how well they communicated, seeing the love in Edward's eyes reciprocated in Chakotay's. It was strange - surreal - to her now, the images still too close to her heart to dismiss the memories of the past. 

Edward and Chakotay talked in low tones while Kathryn waited for them to join her. Their gestures were intimate, conversational and a little exclusive, she admitted ruefully. She just had to wait her turn to congratulate their son, but she didn't mind. She never minded that Edward and Chakotay were so close now. They were surrounded by an aura so protective that it was hard for the observer to intrude on the conversation or disturb their closeness. Kathryn let them be, knowing how much it meant to them just to talk and be friends, be father and son... 

"Well, I can't take credit for the coffee," Chakotay said on a soft chuckle as he glanced again in Kathryn's direction. 

"She won't either. Coffee had its uses! But it was a good four years. I learned so much! There'll probably be many more sleepless nights on my first commission, which I shall gladly endure!" 

"Don't you mean enjoy?" Chakotay amended. "Or thrive?"

"That too. I'll watch the gel packs like a hawk, and hide my stash of cider - " 

"You have cider?" 

"No one will know, you can bet on that," Edward said in a conspiratorial tone. 

"I hate to disappoint you, son. I thought my cache of cider was the best kept secret on Voyager until your mother rudely awakened me to that little illusion." 

"Oh. Is it a woman thing, do you think?" 

"It is," Chakotay replied fervently. "You can't fool them for long." 

"I'll have to sleep with my eyes open!" 

"On Voyager your mother never used to sleep unless she was certain that her vessel was running at optimum efficiency. Now, the last four years... Why, you'd swear she wanted to mother you all over again.." 

"She was on red alert, you mean!" 

"There's much of your mother in you, son," Chakotay said finally. 

Kathryn knew Chakotay was just teasing her. He glanced at her again; Chakotay and Edward didn't appear half ashamed that they were discussing her so openly, and a warmth crept into her cheeks. She smiled tenderly and gave a sigh of contentment. Chakotay always credited her with Edward's achievements and habits, yet so much of Chakotay was in their son too. 

"Oh, no, Dad, you're not escaping that one. I got this, didn't I?" Edward responded, pointing to his left brow over which a tattoo like Chakotay's showed. "You were my hardest taskmaster, Dad. Difficult, yet fair and caring..." 

Chakotay, silenced momentarily by Edward's honesty, smiled kindly, basking in Edward's admiration. Kathryn noted how Chakotay's eyes turned to dark pools of wonder and an old, remembered pain. 

Why was it that a dark cloud hovered suddenly above them, coming from nowhere, it seemed? Kathryn looked up, but there was no cloud. The momentary feeling of darkness had settled only in her heart. 

She remembered the pain. Too much of it. 

An image... Edward at ten years old. Chakotay's words... 

Forgive me, Kathryn... that Jaffen's son was not always mine... 

When Chakotay turned away from Edward, oblivious of the other cadets and their parents, his gaze was thoughtful, then a frown marred his features as he saw her. She knew what he was thinking; she knew what he was telling her in their wordless communication.. 

"Don't walk that road, Kathryn..." 

But how could she not remember? 

Today Edward, born not of Chakotay but now so much his son that her heart wanted to break with aching pain and happiness at once, graduated with honours, top of his class, and the first person he acknowledged in all he achieved was Chakotay. 

Don't go there, Kathryn, was the message she saw in Chakotay's eyes. 

But the memory of what had once been came crashing into Kathryn Janeway's conscious and rolled blindingly to a time, a place, a ship, a baby... 

***   
tbc


	2. Chapter 2

Images... Like blinding light which swelled and then coalesced and bloomed outward again into vibrant blobs, flooded her and pressed her to acknowledge their presence. 

Sickbay... 

Kathryn Janeway lay on the biobed, a concerned Chakotay standing next to the EMH who coughed and cleared his throat as he studied the results of the test. Kathryn's eyes were on Chakotay, whose expression exuded glowing expectancy, a breathless dawning of something miraculous that would be imparted to him. Her hand stole to his, and he grasped eagerly for it. She was certain her heartbeat registered as erratic, jagged lines on the monitor to manifest officially how out of breath she felt. 

Then Chakotay gave a soft little cry, so soft that only Kathryn heard it. Kathryn watched how Chakotay's face changed, the breathlessness, the excitement, the deep inner glow became frosted, stoned into immobility and the countenance registering in its arrested state, some kind of shock. Kathryn's hand reached for Chakotay's again for he had released his grip on her. He was as white as a sheet.

"Chakotay? Is something the matter. Our baby is alright, isn't it?" 

When Chakotay didn't reply, Kathryn turned to the doctor. 

"Doctor?" 

The EMH coughed and cleared his throat again. If he weren't a hologram, she was certain he would have blushed. Kathryn realised in those moments something catastrophic was happening, that in the next few seconds her life would change. There was a sudden buzzing in her ears, a painful thudding against her ribcage; her hands flew to her stomach, resting protectively there. Then the voices...voice...? Was it the Doctor speaking alone, to himself? Did Chakotay reply? Why did it feel as if clarity became a soft hazy curtain that once released from its tiebacks, fell close and she could only discern the Doctor and Chakotay through the haze? 

"Doctor?" she tried again. "My baby?" 

The Doctor cleared his throat once more, took a long time to respond. 

"Tell her," came Chakotay's voice, and Kathryn's already distraught mind picked up the distress and the hollowness in his tone. 

"What is wrong, Chakotay?" 

The soft curtain lifted; Kathryn saw Chakotay's face. It looked shattered. He stared at her. She noted absently how his hands balled into fists, how he tried to curb the trembling of his lips. 

Then Chakotay turned away from her and walked quietly, with dooming finality out of sickbay. 

Kathryn wanted to get off the bed and follow him. 

"Captain, I don't think it's wise. Your husband is distressed - " 

"I can see that," she said bitingly, her own hysteria rising. "Is something wrong with our baby? Why would he leave if something's wrong with our baby? Why?" 

Then the doctor made her sit up on the bed, her legs swinging over the side. 

"Captain, what I'm going to tell you... I don't know how to say this - " 

"I believe I can handle it, Doctor, if it's bad news. If it's bad enough that my husband has just walked out of sickbay, away f-from me..." 

The EMH gave her a long, thoughtful look, then sighed as he turned away from the monitor. 

"Your son..." he started, noting for the first time that their child was a boy, "your son is in good health, Captain. There is nothing wrong with him." 

Kathryn's heart pounded so wildly and so hard that she wanted to cry out from the pain. She couldn't breathe properly. Was she hyperventilating? 

"Then what is it, Doctor?" 

"Your son bears the genetic markers of the Quarrans - " 

"That planet we were at three weeks ago?" 

"Yes." 

"I don't remember anything, Doctor, other than what was indicated in official logs. They used a form of mind control to enslave us - " 

"Yes." 

"And my baby?" 

"Commander Chakotay is not the father of your child, Captain." 

Kathryn wanted to burst out in hysterical laughter. Of course Chakotay was. She never slept with another man. Yet her husband of almost six months, with whom she tried to have a child, just walked out on her and she didn't know why. 

"Quarran genome, Doctor...?" she asked feebly, an awful, unvarnished testament of the truth, beginning to dawn on her. Her next words were a screaming contradiction of her denial, unwilling to entertain the most fantastic notion that she could be unfaithful to Chakotay. "I was artificially inseminated while I was unaware of it..." 

"No, Captain," the EMH replied, his own voice sounding just as hollow as Chakotay's had been earlier. She looked into his eyes, looked away. 

"No," she sighed. "He can't be then, can he? If m-my child was fathered by a Quarran - " she stammered, "then - then Chakotay c-can't..." Her throat felt thick, the breathlessness returned. The doctor held her shoulders but she was hardly aware of his grip on her. 

"I take it the Commander didn't tell you, Captain." 

"Tell me what? I don't read his personal logs, Doctor, if that's what you mean." 

"That, too. But on Quarra, you lived with another man, called Jaffen. " 

She felt the blood draining from her face.

"C-Chakotay knew?" 

"He tried his best to rescue one hundred Voyager crew. But yes, he knew. He never showed how much it affected him, Captain. Never." 

The buzz returned and with it, a sudden onset of nausea. She felt herself becoming lighter, as if she were floating. The next moment, all went black. 

*** 

Chakotay stood in the lounge staring at the floor. Kathryn stood in front of him, hands at her sides, the urge to rush into his arms and to tell him it was all a bad, sick dream competed with the urge to throttle him. 

The last twenty four hours her life had been turned upside down and Chakotay refused to talk. He was implacable as he stared at the floor that seemed to offer him some hidden comfort. 

"I didn't plan this, did I, Chakotay?" 

He expelled a sigh, lifted wounded eyes to meet hers at last. 

"No." 

"I'm innocent of a crime, am I not, Chakotay?" 

"I can't help what I'm feeling, Kathryn. You must understand. I - I thought..." 

"What, that we tried for six months to make a baby and finally, you hit your mark?" 

She hadn't wanted to be crude, hadn't wanted to destroy the fine thread that still tied them together, a thread that was dangerously close to breaking. She wasn't making it easier, and neither was Chakotay. He was suddenly reactive, responding only when she accused, stated, commented, pointed out realities, never begged, never pleaded. 

"You know what I mean." 

"I have no recollection of living with another man on Quarra, Chakotay!" 

His eyes closed. She was losing him. The child she was carrying was not going to be enough to hold him. How could it? The child was half Quarran, half human, nothing of Chakotay. He was a man, and the thought that his wife had lain with another man seared into his ego, his pride, the almost heavenly intimacy she shared with him the last six months. She had thought that there was nothing that could rend them apart, nothing. She could understand some of what he was feeling, the very thought of imagining her in bed with another man, enjoying the same intimacies that husband and wife had, could be unthinkable, unpalatable and deeply agonizing to him. 

But she was innocent, as were the rest of the crew of Voyager who were held on Quarra. It was not her destiny, never hers to control. Something happened, the most serious offence of infidelity. Infidelity only if she went into an illicit liaison with her eyes open, with the full knowledge that she was breaking faith and trust and continued regardless of the love her husband had for her. 

But she didn't. 

She was innocent, never knowing or being remotely aware that she was in a situation that could have the kind of repercussion such as Chakotay not being the father of her baby and the bottom of her world dropping from her. 

Now a baby, Jaffen's child... 

The child was innocent. 

"But, it happened, Kathryn," came Chakotay's hollow words. 

"It was out of my control. You of all people should understand that." 

Only then, Chakotay closed the distance between them. He looked into her eyes, his own eyes empty, a vague attempt at understanding the dilemma they were in. 

"I understand, Kathryn." 

"Then accept this child, this...situation, for I didn't engineer this!" 

"I - " 

This time, she took his hands in hers, pulled him closer to her. 

"Please..." 

"He's not my son, Kathryn." 

She pulled away from him, her eyes impassioned. 

"What would you have me do? Terminate this pregnancy and all our troubles will go away? What would you have me do? Dismiss a reality not of my own making, and act as if it never happened? What would you have me do?" 

"I'm not telling you to terminate - " 

"No, I guess not. Because if I did, this Jaffen will still be between us, wouldn't he? I'm not making this easy for you, right? I'm asking my own husband to be a father to the baby he didn't make for me, right?" 

Chakotay sighed deeply. They were reaching an impasse. She wanted the baby, even if he were going to bear the distinctive markings of another race. It really couldn't be easy for Chakotay. 

"I won't leave you, Kathryn, if that's what you're thinking." 

"No, but the spectre of a man I slept with, the reality of a child fathered by that man, that will always be between us..." she said softly. 

Chakotay didn't respond, and Kathryn felt again like driving a thousand spikes through him in her anger and disappointment. She wanted him to deny her claims; she wanted him to repudiate openly, as a verbal affirmation of her innocence, that her accusation was borne out of her despair that she was losing him. She wanted him to accept, like she was doing, that they were to have a baby together. 

Chakotay didn't smile as he took her in his arms and held her close. He never smiled after that. He loved her with a desperation that confused her at times during the next few months, but before her eyes, and she thought with a pang, only hers for they simply pulled on their masks after that, Chakotay was drifting slowly away from her. 

*****   
TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Kathryn's eyes were on Chakotay as the EMH helped her with the baby. Chakotay had finally consented to be present at the birth. She knew how difficult it was for him and the last months had been mostly spent trying to make things easier for Chakotay. He had taken to sleeping on the couch, rarely touching her or stroking her belly. She missed that connection between them, the images of a happy father-to-be massaging her back, or stroking her belly in wonder, or whispering to the unborn baby instructions on growing up and learning things remained a vain yearning. It pained her to the quick, but she had made up her mind that she was not going to bail out of the new mission of her life: raising her child and making every effort that Chakotay would finally love him. 

Kathryn sighed. It had been a difficult confinement, and the hand she reached for when the contractions ravaged her body, only sometimes responded by gripping hers tightly. In those moments she looked at her husband, her tears and her joy mingled, but mostly her silent pleading that he stay and be their son's father. 

He never smiled. 

Somehow over the last months, with the intimacy broken between them, Chakotay had come to terms that she was never going to give up on her baby, that even as the doctor announced it was a boy, she loved her child with every fibre in her body. She had studied the official logs, and her baby, as he slipped from her and was placed on her bosom and she covered his tiny head with trembling hands, looked like her and looked like the man Jaffen who was the genetic father. In a surreal haze, for she could never quite qualify afterwards why it was or what motivated him, Chakotay lifted the baby from her bosom, held him up and gazed for a few seconds at him. Then he held the baby against his chest. Hot, hot tears spilled from his eyes and dripped onto the child. Then he handed her the baby again. 

She had looked at Jaffen's picture with a strange impartiality, a detachment and knowledge that he was just another person living on a homeworld they left months ago. Over and over she had tried to remember the man who slept with her and with whom she must have had some relationship. Over and over she pondered on the idea that she could give herself to another man like she did. Nothing happened. No memories, no lingering pulls of her body to someone else. 

Still, she tried to think the way Chakotay would think. Inwardly, she knew with a terrifying conviction that she would never give herself to another man if she didn't have affection for him or love him. That she consented to do so in an altered state...could that have been a testament to her own relationship with Chakotay? She wanted to - had brought herself to that point, even though intellectually she knew it couldn't be so - believe that whatever intimacies she shared with a man who was a stranger, that her subconscious must have needed for him to be Chakotay. But, no matter how many times she caught Chakotay looking at her with his heart in his eyes, she knew it was fleeting, that the moment he held her in those rare times or held her gaze with longing, that he must have thought of another man doing so too. Was that what caused the mental block with Chakotay? 

Jaffen... Kathryn tried to look for more traces of him in her son as the baby lay crying softly on her bosom; his alien features were softened on him; it was almost not there. She was realistic, however, knowing that as her baby grew older, those features would become more distinctive. 

Her baby had her eyes. For some reason she had been inordinately glad of that. She was tired but she held out her arms after the baby had been taken from her to be cleaned up and wrapped in a receiver and brought to her again. She had wanted Chakotay to stay a few minutes, hardly realising that she voiced her plea out loud. 

"Stay..." 

Chakotay leaned over her, his musk strong, bringing back memories of their closeness and intimacy. Her hand reached to cup his cheek. There were tears in his eyes as he pulled the receiver a little away and looked at the child. Kathryn held her breath as he touched the baby's forehead. Then Chakotay gave a sigh and straightened up. He gave her an agonised look before turning on his heel and making his way to the sickbay doors. 

Kathryn touched her baby and his eyes opened, his little forehead creasing at the intrusion. 

"I guess Daddy didn't want to stay. He'll be back, don't worry, then he'll love you as much as I love you..." 

It seemed to her that the baby understood as he peered at her with wise eyes, yawned and fell asleep. Moments later, Kathryn's eyes closed and she was hardly aware that Samantha Wildman had come and placed the baby in its crib next to the biobed. 

*** 

"I've decided to name him Edward Kolopak Janeway," she told Chakotay once she was back in her quarters, stroking the child's fine hairs as he lay in his crib. 

What was she doing? She was baiting Chakotay, wanting some reaction from him. It had always been a dream to name a son for their respective fathers. Now Chakotay looked at her, a strange expression flitting across his features. He looked like he was about to burst into tears, then checked himself. She could see how he pulled back the mask of indifference. But she knew that she did get a reaction from him, and deep inside her, she sensed that he could be glad. She prayed desperately that it would be a connection, a tie that would bind her son to him. 

Chakotay nodded, then surprised her by pulling her into his embrace. 

"It's okay?" she whispered softly, and even as she wanted to swoon in the comfort of his embrace, she left him with an option. A hand cupped her head, stroked her hair. She pressed her face closer against his hard chest and wished fleetingly everything had been different. When Chakotay held her away, his features were hard, inscrutable and her heart sank. 

"I love you, Kathryn. It's just...it's difficult, you understand?" 

She wanted to throw herself at him and tell him she understood. She wanted to brush her hand across his brow and soothe his troubles away. His face, so beloved, so achingly dear, looked desperately unhappy. He was trying, trying his best. 

"Give us a chance, Chakotay. Let's take this one day at a time, okay? I'm sorr - " 

"Don't apologise, Kathryn," he sighed.

"Fine, then just...be there, will you?" 

She could ask him to leave her cabin; she could tell him to dissolve their marriage. Yet, her reluctance to resort to such an exit was as distasteful to her as the idea of disinheriting her son...their son, and to make as if he didn't exist. She wasn't going to quit; she was no quitter. She loved her baby desperately, and already his strange features had blended into her consciousness so that she saw not an alien child, but her son lying there with his thumb stuck firmly in his rosy mouth. 

Kathryn waited for Chakotay's reply, hoped that he wouldn't walk away from her again as he had done so many times in the last months. 

"I'll not leave you. I promised that, didn't I?" 

Then love my child... 

She didn't throw herself in his arms again; instead, it was Chakotay who drew her close, enfolded her in his big giant embrace and held her to him. She felt his lips on her hair, and her eyes burned with unshed tears.

**** 

During the nights she would rise bleary-eyed from the bed to lift Edward from the crib and tend to him. Breastfeeding the first two months had been wondrous as she watched her baby feed. She'd clean him, then rested in the rocking chair and rocked him till he fell asleep again. 

After the second night, Chakotay had started on a rocker when he realised that she needed to relax and sit back in a chair when she fed Edward. He had given her a wry, tight smile and then continued as if he were embarrassed at being caught secretly loving the baby. It was such a fragile situation, she didn't want to spoil the tenuous thread that grew just a little stronger. 

One night Chakotay had come to bed, for the first time joining her again after sleeping on the couch since the day her pregnancy had been confirmed. It had been a slow, agonising odyssey in which she waited patiently for him, yearning for his closeness, crying inside when he hesitated, not wanting to touch her or be intimate. He never spoke of his need; always, the ghost of a stranger lurked between them and in their bed. 

She had crept into his arms and buried her face against his chest. A deep sigh had escaped from him as he settled her comfortably in his embrace. She felt his hand caressing her hair, melted against him as her body remembered their old closeness, wanting more...more... Kathryn wanted to press her warm face, suffused with suppressed need and passion, in the hollow of his neck, but held back. He was in her bed, wasn't he? It was enough for now, wasn't it? 

"You said one day at a time, Kathryn," he whispered hoarsely into her hair. 

"Yes..." 

****   
tbc


	4. Chapter 4

The days had come and gone and soon Edward was six months old. When he was two months old she had itched to be back on duty after Chakotay had been acting captain for almost five months. Funny how the crew reacted to her child. Their collective acceptance in a way soothed her bruised heart. They understood, but she was realistic to know that they understood only because her innocence was theirs too. So they clucked over her baby with his alien features, fell over themselves to baby-sit so she could have some downtime with her husband. What downtime? The most she could expect was to have him crawl into her bed and hold her as if he could never let her go, and the smallest, the most insignificant little gesture of affection on her side, pitched him into his prison of dark remembrance again. 

But Chakotay performed. He was her friend, first officer, husband, father. 

On the outside, that was what they presented to the crew. Unfailingly, Chakotay smiled, cheered, gave orders, held his son and sometimes for their benefit, even kissed Edward, an action that had the baby squealing with delight. On the outside, he was the loving spouse and caring father. In their quarters, he became the unsmiling man, embarrassed to be seen looking at the baby, or touch the child. Deep in her heart she sensed that Chakotay wanted some connection, wanted to be closer to the child. He would glare at her after she caught him looking at the sleeping baby, sigh and retreat to his own quarters and office. Those days she left him, never giving up hope that the day things would be right between them again, it would be because a child achieved that magnificent feat. 

Sometimes, Samantha Wildman gave her a pained, pensive look, but it was always gone before Kathryn had time to explore it. Samantha had been in sickbay, helping with the delivery of the baby and she had seen Chakotay's reaction. Even if Chakotay put up a good pretence, Kathryn sensed that Sam Wildman saw through their charade. She was not the only one. The EMH was bound by his oath not to divulge information on what she thought he must know. 

Now, Edward sported two front teeth, laughed when she tickled his stomach and mostly, leaned towards Chakotay whenever he saw the unsmiling man. Then Chakotay would take him and only minutes later hand the baby back to her. 

One night, she had been deeply asleep after working late on her reports. When Chakotay extricated himself from her arms, she woke, hearing Edward cry in the small nursery. 

"Sleep," Chakotay commanded, getting up. 

The bed felt empty without him. But minutes later, the crying stopped. She lay on her side, listening to the sounds - Chakotay moving about, talking softly, the baby gurgling. Kathryn couldn't smile, couldn't rejoice, for she knew that it was fleeting, that when Chakotay joined her in bed again, he would enfold her in his arms and say nothing. But her heart sang wildly. A long while later - she had dozed off and woke with a jerk - she realised that Chakotay wasn't back yet. Pulling on her robe, she padded across the floor to the nursery, stopping in her tracks when she saw Chakotay in the rocking chair, holding Edward close to him, and both were fast asleep. 

Something burned behind her eyelids. Every wistful thought, every dream she had of ever seeing Chakotay with a baby of theirs, had been just that. He looked...happy, she thought idly, and Edward snuggled against his father's soft terry robe. Kathryn pondered only briefly on whether to disturb the little tableau before she went up and gently took the baby from Chakotay. He woke with a start, rose quickly and was gone before she could thank him. 

Victories were small, she thought as she made her way back to the bed and crept in beside her husband and into his waiting arms. He was content just holding her, and she was frustrated beyond measure when her body refused to obey her and she moved against him. 

"You said - " 

"I know, Chakotay..." 

*** 

She sat on the bridge next to him ten days later. Casting him a sideways glance, he returned the smile she gave him. Her heart soared. For once, his smile reached his eyes, the dimples deepened and the rest of the morning she was elated, buoyant. On her way to the holodeck where she was to relieve Ensign Parker and Susan Nicoletti who were caring for Edward because she and Chakotay were both on duty, she thought of what had happened the night before. 

"Why don't you eat, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked as he joined her at the dinner table. 

She sighed. She had been toying with her food, and the scraping of her fork on the plate must have irritated him. 

"We never talk, you know." 

"Kathryn, I - " 

"Not about what happened, not about Edward. Edward loves you, did you know? You're his Daddy, for heaven's sake." 

"He's not my son, Kathryn." She flinched, for a fleeting moment unable to see Chakotay for the darkness that descended in her eyes. The remorse in his eyes and voice were instantaneous as he said, "Kathryn, I'm sorry. I - " 

"Don’t apologise, Chakotay." 

She had been brewing the last few days on Chakotay's stony silences, his unsmiling demeanour whenever they were in her ready room or in their quarters. He had become closed off again after the night she caught him holding Edward in the rocking chair. After that he hardly spoke with her in private, although she could swear that he burned with the need to speak. It held him back, every time they made some progress, and he'd slide all the way down. Now, she was fed-up working at something that he was a part of, but that he was not participating in. 

"You said one day at a time..." 

"How many days do you need? Three days? Twenty days? Three hundred days? How many? Tell me." 

She got up, too agitated to reason anymore with him; she heard his chair scrape as he too, got up and followed her. He pulled her round to face him, and the next moment his mouth bore down on hers in a searing kiss. It caught her unexpectedly. She thought to pull away from him, but he held her, her neck arching as she maintained her balance. The kiss was punishing, but as she tried to break the contact, his mouth softened on hers and she heard him give a deep moan. Searching tongue and lips found her mouth, her tongue, her lips and she melted into him, his tenderness so sudden that she couldn't help herself as she pressed closer. 

Neither, she thought with a soundless joy that sprang from deep inside her, could Chakotay as he lifted her in his arms and joined her seconds later on the bed. She stared at him surprised, mute, her lips still tingling from his kisses, his arousal she felt almost instantly. All the nights she had lain in his arms she had known that he exercised superhuman effort not to get aroused by her wriggling body so close to his. Now she stared at him and Chakotay's eyes were dark with desire. His arms braced at her sides, he towered above her, breathing hoarsely. 

She touched his cheek, a tentative touch that grew bold as her fingers brushed over his lips. His eyes closed, yet he slumped over her, not breaking contact, and not bearing heavily over her. She closed her own eyes, the old burn of tears behind her eyelids as she felt him undoing the top button of her dress. His fingers trembled, tracing uncertainly over her collarbone when she finally lay exposed before him. All the time they touched, his mouth sometimes brushing a hollow against her shoulder, or in her neck, fingers skimming lightly over her breasts. 

It was a moment too frail, the golden thread so thin that she feared it would break. His lips touched her again and she heard his deep moan. Did her hands remove his shirt as quickly as they always had in a time long ago? She couldn't determine whether it was so, only that she felt or stopped every few seconds, watching him, noting his reaction. 

He never spoke. 

Yet, she knew his need, and soon, when he too, lay naked over her, there was a question in his eyes. She guided his hands over her body; she felt for him, and he groaned, his mouth close to hers. Kathryn shifted so he could settle against her, move against him to encourage him, breathed into his hair and whispered it was alright. 

Once he touched her core, then moved away but she held on to him, knowing he was thinking...thinking...again transporting himself to a realm where she was not who she was... Her body was on fire, too far gone to withdraw. 

"Stay...Chakotay, stay with me... It's alright..." 

Hesitation. 

Moving away... 

"It's alright. You're going to be okay. Just...stay with me..." 

She wanted to die of his contact when he finally, completely, sank deep into her, giving a cry of pain as he filled her. 

"Shhh...I'm here, with you. Look in my eyes, Chakotay. See all my love. This is my body...it's yours...forever..." 

And so she coaxed him, guiding him to move against her, his cries desperate, his movements forceful, never hurting her. She held him to her, felt his fullness, his strength, locked her legs around his body and welcomed him to her. 

Never did he cry her name in the final moments. 

But later, when he collapsed against her and he breathed her name softly against her neck, Kathryn knew that it was enough, for now. 

***   
tbc


	5. Chapter 5

"Everything ready?" Chakotay asked as they prepared to leave Voyager for Earth. He was holding Edward who at almost eight months, wriggled in Chakotay's arms. Kathryn thought the child was growing out of his skin. His ridges were only slightly pronounced now and the EMH who had just completed Edward's medical, declared that it would probably stay that way. Kathryn's genes were dominant, he added. 

Edward was holding a scale model of the Phoenix which Chakotay had given him and Kathryn wondered idly how the child had so quickly taken to anything that could fly, or that Chakotay gave him. While he loved his targ given him by B'Elanna and the Flotter she had given him, it was always Chakotay's gifts that Edward was intensely possessive about. 

"I'm ready," she replied as they stood on the transporter platform. Kathryn turned to stroke Edward's cheek, and he gurgled happily. She gave him her best smile and when she nodded to the transporter chief, he prepared to beam them down. 

Seconds later, they were home, standing on the soil of Earth for the first time in almost eight years. 

It had taken hard bargaining and almost losing Seven of Nine to the Borg again, to get home this time. Kathryn sighed. The transwarp hub that brought them through was something miraculous, the Borg 'helping' them for once in their plight. Starfleet Command had been surprised, and the slight negative reference to the Maquis had given her uneasy moments. Admiral Paris was ready to fight their cause, she knew. 

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. He had promised to remain by her side to field all the queries regarding Edward and to broadcast his own proud parentage of their baby. She was grateful, and although she knew she could do so without Chakotay's help, she chose to have their child's father around. Quitting was not an option; she had decided on that long ago. 

"No need for anyone to know more than the crew of Voyager, or the EMH, Kathryn." Chakotay's voice had been even, more amenable than he had been in a while. 

"I understand." 

They had been whisked away by her mother and Admiral Ponsonby who crowed over Edward and who declared that he always knew Kathryn would name any son of hers for her father. Chakotay had been exemplary, fielding their questions, their well-meaning queries with compassion and strength and a certain message in his voice that they not ask more than he and Kathryn were prepared to give. They understood, accepted the situation because they trusted Kathryn. Although Gretchen had given her daughter a pensive, studied look, she didn't ask any more personal questions. Kathryn was certain, however, that her mother sensed the strained relationship between Chakotay and herself. 

They showered their affection on Edward who basked in his grandmother's attention. Most of the time Kathryn had a sheen of tears in her eyes. She was glad to be back on Earth, glad that her intense desire to bring her crew home had finally succeeded; she was glad that Chakotay had, to a degree at least, changed towards her. Chakotay appeared relaxed, at ease with his mother-in-law and Adam Ponsonby. He touched her often, and held Edward who mostly preferred to be held by Chakotay anyway, until it was time for his feed, then he rallied towards his mother. 

When they were finally left alone with their baby and their belongings brought from Voyager, Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief. The masks came off. Chakotay had walked to a bedroom, then turned to her, a question in his eyes. 

"That's our room," she said softly, pointing to another door. "I thought we could prepare the smaller room for Edward..." Her words trailed away. She wondered whether he was going to turn away from her again. 

Chakotay walked to her and pulled her into his arms, with Edward squeezed between the two of them. 

"I'll be with you in the master bedroom, Kathryn," he said. "I'll fix up the other room for Edward." 

Kathryn closed her eyes for a brief moment. 

"Thank you..." 

She felt him take Edward from her. Edward squealed with delight as Chakotay blew bubbles against his tummy. Then there was a sudden quiet. Kathryn's eyes flew open, to stare at Chakotay. Her heart sank. Chakotay's eyes were filled with pain as he held the baby. His fingers traced the child's ridges; then he abruptly turned and handed the baby back to her. Before she could respond, Chakotay vanished into the smaller room. 

She didn't see him again until she prepared Edward for bed. Then he came out of the room, drew her gently into his arms and whispered, "One day at a time, Kathryn..." 

Strange how she never wept in the last eighteen months. Strange how his words became a tired litany that washed over her like bitter raindrops. Oh, she felt the need to weep, long and hard. Always, she curbed herself, refused to give in to the urge and so tears became mists that burned in her eyes. She felt those burns when she was blindingly angry at Chakotay, or deeply moved by the littlest affection he showed Edward. But, she never cried. 

"It's okay, Chakotay," she whispered in a hollow voice. 

**** 

Promotion came quickly for her. Voyager's exploits, her determination to bring home her ship and her crew, joining two crews and making them a Voyager crew, fighting the Borg successfully - those things mattered to Starfleet Command. Accolades. Within a year she was made an admiral. Chakotay accepted his promotion to captain, took command of the USS Benguela and spent most of his time away from home in the first five years after their return. It didn't fool her that he wanted to keep some distance between them, and that he didn't want to get close to Edward. She never complained, looked after Edward and when he said his first word, she wanted to cry, because he pointed to a picture of Chakotay and said, "Da-da". 

Edward grew up into a sturdy little boy who constantly asked after Chakotay. The few times Chakotay had been home - short stretches of only four or six weeks - Edward made a beeline for his father. She could sense Chakotay's hesitation before picking Edward up and playing with him a few minutes. Always, when it became quiet while he was playing with Edward, Kathryn knew Chakotay was thinking...thinking... She couldn't stop crucifying herself for what had happened in the past. In her heart she knew that the best would be that Chakotay disappear from their lives forever. What little affection he feigned in their home and what he showered with easy pretence outside on their son, was beginning to corrode at her resolve not to quit, to give up without fighting. All her life she had been a fighter, fighting to be accepted as a brilliant science officer, the best female captain in the fleet. She fought, outwitted, outgunned scores of adversaries in the Delta Quadrant. But to see their son confused by Chakotay's behaviour...it ate at her resolve. 

Why was it that she couldn't let Chakotay go? 

She could release him from all promises, even those very early ones on their journey home that he'd be by her side forever. If by her side meant living with half touches, uncertainties, his inability to look their son in the eyes and call him "son", then why was she accepting the crumbs he offered? Why? She always believed she could live without a man she loved; the quality was in the loving, in deciding that though she could live without Chakotay, she chose not to, for doing so would mean existing. Existing... She could do that. Living in joy and harmony...that was what she yearned for. 

That first night they made love had been followed by sporadic incidents in which he showed how it pained him to join his body with hers. To give him any credit, he tried, but her constant guidance, her indefatigable industry at making him believe the body he was making love to had never been touched by Jaffen, the total concentration it required to make their lovemaking spontaneous just so that her husband could bond for a few tender moments with her, became too much. 

Yet, she welcomed him in their bed, for she knew he struggled too. His remorse every time after they were intimate, his guilt at letting Edward down again, his shame in allowing his thoughts to wander to another place and time which she knew, even as she never read his personal logs, must have hurt him deeply, was for her a sign that he meant no harm, that he loved her and wanted to love their baby. 

But Edward's genetic father kept coming between them - a ghost that crept between their sheets, that lurked in Chakotay's eyes when he lifted Edward high in the air and wanted laugh but curbed himself. Chakotay struggled. She was witness to that all the time he was in her presence, home from a mission. 

Sometimes there were good days and her heart soared when they could all go out together and enjoy an afternoon sailing on a lake, or take Edward to the Academy gardens where the duck ponds were. Those were the good days. Chakotay would lift Edward on his shoulders and when he smiled, she saw the relaxed muscles of his face, the dimples that showed and her heart contracted with the happiness she felt. Edward trailed his father constantly, constantly asked questions which Chakotay patiently answered, holding Edward on his lap; when they were out walking together, teaching him about starships and evasive maneuvers. 

On those days she wanted to believe Chakotay loved Edward as unconditionally as she loved their son. While she was the mother who kissed Edward's cut fingers or took him to see the doctor, who wiped his tears when he fell, it was Chakotay who read him bed time stories and told Edward the legends he told Kathryn in their years on Voyager. Edward at five years had an uncommon bond with Chakotay which stunned her mostly, because they were so different. 

"And Daddy..." Those were always words she heard when Chakotay was home and he had a good day. 

Other days he confused Edward who knew not how to respond when Chakotay waved him away, or frowned. She supposed most children went through a phase like that, but with Chakotay and Edward it was more pronounced because he didn't react or he became stony-faced. Then Edward's "Daddy?" became a tentative plea for attention. 

On the bad days, she kept Edward away from Chakotay, knowing that his face would crease with that familiar look of pain when he remembered. She was patient, certain that one day soon, things would be different, and they could be a happy family again. Chakotay didn't speak about his struggles; she only witnessed the outward manifestation of it, to the detriment of their little boy. 

Chakotay had never yet referred to Edward as "our son". Out there, for sure, but she wasn't fooled. When they needed to pretend, they did and in her heart she knew they were damaging and hurting a small boy who deserved all the happiness he could get. 

"Chakotay..." 

"Yes?" 

He had been sitting in a deep chair, reading a book. 

"I never read your personal logs about that time..." 

"It's not important, Kathryn," he replied without looking up. 

"If I'm to understand anything - " 

"I said it's not important." 

"If it isn't, then surely it won't hurt to read it?" 

"Let it go." 

"Edward is beginning to ask questions, did you know?" 

Chakotay looked up for the first time, stared pensively at her, then replied, "You'll know what to say." 

"And if he asks about why he looks different from you?" 

She shouldn't have spoken then. Never have spoken. What did she expect? Why was she constantly setting herself up for a response she knew would hurt her and send her spiralling to the depths of despair again? 

"Then tell him, Kathryn. Tell him I'm not his father." 

"As God is my witness, Chakotay, you're here in this house because you are his father. Haven't you noticed he loves you more than he probably loves me? Haven't you seen the adoration in his eyes? He follows you everywhere. What does it matter? You are Edward's father in every way that matters." 

Chakotay got up and stood in front of her, his lips thin and his eyes bleak. 

"I'm not his father..." 

"Mommy? Daddy?" 

****   
tbc


	6. Chapter 6

How could she describe the years that followed? Edward was rudely introduced to a reality he had not been ready for at his tender age. Oh, he had been ready, Kathryn amended, but in the way he discovered it? Chakotay had walked away from the scene and left her to deal with a distraught child who thought his Daddy was going to leave them forever. 

Patiently, she explained only the barest details that didn't include her sleeping with his genetic father, but she showed him a picture of Jaffen and told him that Jaffen was his real father in blood. She told him Chakotay was his Daddy who was always there for him. 

"Then he won't go away, Mommy?" 

"No, Edward. Daddy is a little sad right now, but he loves you, okay?" 

"Okay, Mommy. Then can he take me fishing on Lake George?" 

"When Daddy isn't so sad anymore, then you can ask him." 

"'kay!" 

It pained her to see the child's eyes light up. He had already forgotten the picture of Jaffen on the vid-screen, never gave it another look. There had only been a mild recognition earlier when Edward touched his forehead, then touched Jaffen's forehead in the picture. 

That was all. She had always hoped that Edward wouldn't pull too hard at the invisible thread that was Jaffen, but because Chakotay had been there, albeit it sometimes as an absent Daddy who was on his ship away on missions, Edward knew instinctively what he wanted. 

Later in the evening, when Chakotay came out of their bedroom, he had been apologetic and ashamed. She had been sitting in his big chair and when she wanted to get up, he gestured for her to remain. He looked at the door of Edward's room. 

"He's sleeping now, Chakotay," she said, knowing she sounded disconsolate. She watched sadly how Chakotay went into Edward's room, coming out almost half an hour later. She had remained in his chair and when he knelt down next to her, stroking her hand that rested limply on her lap, she felt like crying again. 

"I'm leaving in two days, Kathryn." 

She nodded. How couldn't she know. She was an admiral. It was part of her work knowing where every starship was heading in the quadrant. 

"Edward...he'll want to contact you..." she said, her voice trailing. 

"I'll talk to him, Kathryn." 

"Chakotay, he emulates you. Don't let him down..." Chakotay said nothing, kept his head bent, rubbing the back of her hand. "Please..." 

"Don't worry. I'm sorry that he overheard us." 

She sighed. 

"He sees only you," she kept on, unable to stem the rush of words. 

"Don't, Kathryn. Don't - " 

"He wants to be like you. Did you know he goes nowhere without a scale model of your vessel you gave him? He takes it to school and tells all his class mates it's his daddy's ship and that one day, he will captain a starship..." 

Chakotay remained quiet after that, and she hoped that he pondered over his words. When he shifted so that he was sitting in the chair, he held her close to him, stroked her hair and kissed her fevered cheek. 

********* 

If she thought matters would improve, it was an idle hope, dashed when Edward said to her one day that "Daddy always looks strange whenever he looks at me, Mommy." 

"It's maybe because he sees you're growing." 

How could she be prepared for Edward's response? He was eight years old, old enough to sense he was different, and that the way his father looked at him, made that difference palpable and repugnant. 

"You're lying, Mommy! It's a lie!" Edward's face was red with anger and indignation. 

"Edward!" 

"It's because I'm a Quarran half-breed - " 

Where did he get those words? Kathryn closed her eyes. What was happening? Edward was lashing out at her too, now, unable to understand his own confusion. 

"You're my son, Edward. I love you very much." 

"But Daddy doesn't. Daddy looks at me like I'm trash all the time." 

Kathryn pulled Edward into his bedroom and made him sit on his bed. Edward looked desperately unhappy, his boyish tears very close to spilling and running down his cheeks. 

"Edward, listen to me, will you?" 

Edward sat, tears in his eyes, pursed lips and looking as stony as Chakotay. Kathryn shook her head to dispel the incredible likeness of father and son. 

"Will you?" 

Edward shook his head.

"Daddy said you can call him, and you can talk to him any time, wherever he is travelling." 

"Don't want to anymore..." 

"Maybe he just misses you just like you miss him. You're a Janeway. You're not going to give up, okay?" 

Edward look at her, his lips trembling and Kathryn wanted to haul her little boy in her arms and kiss away his troubles. Yet, there was a light in his eyes, a light akin to hope. Kathryn thought how easy it was for children to forgive. Chakotay unwittingly charged and found their son guilty of a crime he didn't commit. 

"I know I look different, Mommy." 

"Yes, honey, and we can't wish it away. Daddy will find his path to you and then you will know he loves you just as much as I love you..." 

"Is Daddy afraid? To find his path?" Edward asked with disarming wisdom. She never thought of it. 

"Yes...Yes, I guess that's it..." 

After that Edward watched Chakotay like a hawk, still following him around, still wanting to go fishing on Lake George. Chakotay tried, tried hard, and sometimes Kathryn thought he tried too hard. 

Once, when she had been on leave which coincided with summer vacation, they had been Chakotay's guests on board the USS Benguela. Edward had been over the moon, and in the holodeck, Chakotay trained Edward in a shuttle flight simulator. She and Edward were housed in the Executive Suite and Chakotay spent all his off duty hours with them. Edward made friends with children of colonists and some evenings, he spent time with them, or worked in the holodeck, honing his fledgling skills flying shuttles. 

They were of Chakotay's good days. During the night he pulled her close to him and she'd lie in his embrace. Sometimes, she kissed him, hoping that he wouldn't flinch and when he didn't, he'd groan and kiss her deeply. When they made love, it didn't hurt so much anymore if he never cried out, or called her name. When it was over and he pressed his lips against her neck, she would feel his lips move against her; sometimes she heard him whisper her name. 

Always, she held his head close to her and pressed her lips against his hair. They were intimate more often now, Chakotay seeking her during the night, his hands groping and her hope always flared when she sensed how urgent he was sometimes, urgent and breathless. She began to remember more the days before her altered memory, of how free Chakotay had been with his lovemaking, how responsive and demonstrative. Sometimes, during those six months of their marriage, they had been unbridled. 

Achingly slowly, Chakotay began to show more of his heart to her in the deep of the night. 

In the morning, before he went on duty, he'd kiss her awake and present her with a cup of coffee. 

One morning she had looked at him a tad longer than she meant, noting his clean shaven chin, how well his uniform sat on him, remembering the previous night when they made love. Did her desire show in her eyes? Did she reveal how much she wanted him again? 

"I still have an hour before I start, Kathryn," he said, his voice sounding gruff, but warm and his eyes were smouldering. She had been too stunned to say anything, until he gently took the cup from her hands and put it on the bedside table. She watched as he slowly took off his uniform, until he stood naked and then came to lie on the bed next to her. He smelled all male again, and when he pulled her into his arms, she had given a sob. Kathryn remembered that Chakotay never kissed her breasts since they had become intimate again, and she gave a little cry when his lips teased her nipples and he began licking her. For almost an hour she rejoiced in their lovemaking, feeling happy and giddy with love for him. When it was over eventually and Chakotay had showered and dressed again, he stood at the bedside as he had an hour before, reaching to touch her hand. He gave her a little smile, and she thought how engaging it was, for it seemed to her he was afraid to smile. She had squeezed his hand in reply. 

"Now I really must go. See you at lunch time, Kathryn." 

It had been a happy month, and though Chakotay sometimes lapsed into morose melancholy, those spells became less. He still sometimes looked at Edward with that pensive stare, and Edward took it in good spirit, though sometimes, at night when she went to Edward's room to kiss him goodnight, she'd see the remnants of tears on his cheeks. 

They came home, and life went on, until one day, it happened. 

Another argument which Edward overheard. Again, Chakotay denying his emotional attachment to their son. She had been tired, Chakotay had been in one of his bad days and the resultant argument had not been a surprise. 

"Dammit, Kathryn! What do you want me to do? I'm not a god, I'm - " 

"Don't say it again. Don't deny what you feel for him - " 

"I feel nothing. Every time I look at him, I'm reminded of - of ..." 

"That I'm Quarran, Daddy?" They didn't even see ten year old Edward standing in the entrance to the lounge. And Edward was rolling. His eyes burned with unshed tears. "Maybe I should go back to where my real father came from, then maybe he'll love me..." 

"Edward..." She reached for Edward, but he shrank from her, his young body bristling with pent up anger. 

"What did I do wrong, Mommy? Why does he hate me so?" 

"Edward," came Chakotay's voice through the fog of pain and humiliation, "I don't hate you - " 

"But you don't love me either," Edward retorted. The next moment he was in his room. Chakotay rushed forward, and banged on the locked door. 

"Edward, come out, please. I want to talk to you..." 

"No!" they heard his distraught, angry cries. "Leave me alone! I hate you...hate you..." 

Then it went quiet and they heard only Edward's sobbing. Her heart ached to be with him, but he had locked the door. She turned to Chakotay, ignored the dark pain in his eyes, the old guilt and shame and everything she ever felt tied her hopelessly to him. 

"Get out, Chakotay. Get out," she hissed softly. "I've endured this long enough. No more, you hear me? Get out..." 

Chakotay took a step towards her, and if she had a phaser, she would have turned it on him. 

"Kathryn, I- " 

"Leave me, Chakotay, and leave my son..." 

Chakotay turned without a word to the door and left without looking back. 

****   
tbc


	7. Chapter 7

She dreamed that night of Edward, of the day he was born and how tiny his fingers and toes looked, how soft his skin felt, his blonde hair like down. She imagined Chakotay leaning tenderly over them as she held the baby, and Chakotay made little coo noises for the baby, whose eyes were closed, and whose face still looked crinkly. 

"He's so small, Kathryn. Do you think he'll walk anytime soon?" Chakotay asked with fatherly pride. 

"And where do you want him to walk so soon?" Kathryn asked, still sleepy and tired from the birth. 

"Why," Chakotay said softly, kissing her forehead before he continued, "right here, to my heart." 

"Oh." 

"Did you think I'll let him walk away from me? He's my son, isn't he?" 

"Chakotay, you know the truth - " 

"What I know is that little scrap here will co-pilot shuttles with me, help me build a tub for Mommy, be my sparring partner when I box, build a bed with a starship saucer for a headboard for him, help me make Mommy's breakfast and go fishing with me on Lake George - " 

"There's no fish in Lake George - " 

"Oh, don't worry about that, honey. I've ordered them all to be there when we get home..." 

Kathryn's eyes filled with tears as Chakotay's fingers moved the receiver away from the baby's face. He bent down and planted a gentle kiss on the tiny forehead, and even though the baby still looked wrinkled from birth, the ridges were already showing. Long, Chakotay's lips rested on the boy. 

"He has ridges, Chakotay..." she said softly, unable to believe he could love Jaffen's son so much already. 

"He's my son, Kathryn. No debate, okay?" Chakotay chided gently, his eyes very warm as they rested on her. "I love him already..." 

"I love you so much, Chakotay," she said, and a sob rose from her. "I'm crying. It's foolish, don't you think?" 

"I think starship captains are allowed a good cry once in a while," Chakotay replied. "What are we calling him, Kathryn?" 

"As if you didn't know," she said through her tears. "Why, you said we'll call our son Edward Kolopak." 

"Good decision. There'll be something of our fathers in our son." 

"He'll take after you, naturally." 

Chakotay looked so proud as he stood there, so manly and so like he wanted to light a cigar right there and make a shipwide broadcast that Captain Janeway bore Commander Chakotay a healthy baby boy. She touched her baby's face in a gentle caress, and his rosy mouth made suckling actions. Chakotay looked awed. 

"Is he hungry, do you think?" 

When she raised herself against the pillows, she held the baby, and her hand went to her breast. Her eyes went to Chakotay who stared and stared and stared. His eyes were dark pools of pain. Why was he in pain? When she wanted to call him, he turned away from her, and the next moment, he was gone. 

"Chakotay!" 

Kathryn woke, feeling damp with perspiration. The place next to her was empty, cold. Chakotay was gone. 

"Oh, God..." 

Pulling on her robe, she walked out of the bedroom, unable to sleep, worried where he had gone to, wondering whether he'd come back. She had been so angry with him earlier. She sat a few minutes in his big chair, but was too restless so she got up again and walked through to the kitchen. Then she turned abruptly away from the door and decided to look in on Edward. 

Surprised to find that the door wasn't locked, she entered. 

Kathryn froze. The bed was empty. Only rumpled sheets, books and boots lying around, Edward's boxing gloves hanging down the side of the headboard, moonlight streaming through the window - silent witness to the empty room. 

"Edward?" 

No reply. It was as if the walls whispered to her not to call out again. 

"Edward!" 

*** 

It was Chakotay who returned to the apartment that very moment, to whom Kathryn turned . She didn't ask why he came back, didn't ask whether he was going to leave again and whether he had just returned to fetch some of his things. All she knew was that she needed him. He sensed instantly something was wrong when he saw her and rushed forward, his hands a welcoming grip on her shoulders. 

"Kathryn? Is something the matter?"

"Edward is gone..." 

Chakotay made her sit down in his chair and he knelt down before her like he had done so many times when she was sad, or overcome, or disconsolate, even happy. Now, their son was gone...gone... 

"He's gone, Chakotay. He was so unhappy last night. Now he's gone!" He held her hands tightly. The hysteria was beginning to rise in her voice and she wondered idly how it was that she could deal with so many decisions and adversities in the Delta Quadrant, and now Edward... He was her son. His bright blue eyes and blonde hair and the ridges that made him such a handsome looking child tied directly to her heartstrings. He was gone. "Help me, Chakotay..." 

Chakotay's eyes were shuttered for a moment, and she thought he didn't want to be involved because she finally had the courage to send him away, she was so mad at him. But when she looked deeply into his eyes, she saw a different Chakotay. Her heart gave a sudden, wild lurch. Did she see right into his heart, right through unmasked eyes that could no longer pretend? It was a long moment that she gazed at him, moments in which he was so vulnerable, so completely stripped of all pretence and bravado that she sucked in her breath. What was happening to him? Did the most incredible, madly improbable, hopeless yearning she had for years since the day she was informed of her pregnancy, finally happen? She didn't want to think, didn't want to ponder on his reaction, for she had no desire to live through another disappointment. Chakotay squeezed her hands. 

"Kathryn, listen to me, will you?" 

"I must find Edward. He's run away. He's hurting, Chakotay. He's hurting and we - we both hurt him..." 

"Kathryn, listen! Hey, look at me..." 

She looked at him again. 

"Do you know how long he has been gone?" 

She shook her head. It could have been an hour, it could have been six hours. It was already 0500. 

"More than an hour." 

"Stay here." 

"No!" 

"I'll go and search for him. You need to be here when I return with him, or..." 

"Chakotay?" 

"The hospital. We can't rule out injury, okay?" 

She shook her head. Chakotay stood up and pulled her to her feet. She fell into his arms and her shoulders shook for a few moments, her sobs hoarse and dry. He held her and when she calmed again, he held her away. His own eyes were damp with tears, but there was such a strength in him, such a resolve that she touched his face again. She didn't want to think what she imagined it to mean, but her heart raced wildly. 

"I'll find him, Kathryn. I promise. I'll bring him back to you. Then I'll leave..." 

Chakotay was out of the apartment before she had time to tell him she never meant to send him away from her, that she wanted him to stay and be there again for them. She was just so mad at him, blindingly mad that Edward got caught up in the middle of their argument. 

Because it was already morning, she remained up and prepared to wait out the day...or days... Chakotay would find their son. 

"Please, please find him, Chakotay..." 

When she was eventually dressed, she sat down at her vid-com and hailed her mother. 

*** 

Six hours later Kathryn learned that Edward was nowhere on Earth or at any of the stations in Earth's atmosphere. It shocked her to the core. She discovered with some alarm that Edward was last located at McKinley Station; Chakotay's vessel Benguela was currently undergoing repairs there. She was in her office at Starfleet Headquarters and had discreetly informed Owen Paris and Adam Ponsonby that Edward was missing and that Chakotay had gone looking for him. 

She was frightened to death of the reality of his disappearance and the new developments after her own investigation revealed that Edward had done something drastic. How did he get offworld? Did he stow away on one of the shuttles or runabouts always shuttling between Earth and its immediate neighbours, or orbital stations? No one could tell her, but there were no indications that he was anywhere on Earth. 

Edward was able to pilot a shuttle... Kathryn closed her eyes at the possibility, prayed fervently that Chakotay would find him soon. Kathryn had already informed Edward's school that he was missing. It was just another one of the embarrassing moments she had to endure informing the principal. 

Earlier the morning, when Gretchen Janeway arrived at their apartment, Kathryn had been sick with worry and Gretchen had calmly made her sit down. 

"Chakotay said he'll bring Edward back. Believe that he will." 

"I know. I - I trust him, Mom. But Edward...he's still such a little boy to go off alone." 

"Perhaps Chakotay has some idea where Edward might have gone?" 

Kathryn had given a sigh. She didn't know. 

"We argued last night. The old story. Edward overheard us. We hurt him, Mom. We hurt him really badly. 

"Oh, Kathryn! If only Chakotay could tell you what troubled him so." 

"He never will, I suppose, and so we just carry on. It's a slow journey, Mom, and I'm not certain I can handle it anymore. Chakotay, he came back after I sent him away..." 

"That's just it, Kathryn, honey. Chakotay loves that boy of his more than you can ever imagine, or than he is willing to admit. This time, just be positive that things will be better, okay?" 

Kathryn had given a nod, and took the tea her mother offered her. 

Now she waited as her mother waited and Admiral Paris and Adam Ponsonby waited. Tom and B'Elanna wanted to pitch in and help, but she asked them to wait until they heard from Chakotay first. Later, she went home, to find her mother had gone. She left a message that she be informed as soon as Kathryn heard anything. 

Kathryn paced the lounge floor, then paced her bedroom. Unable to rest, she went into Edward's bedroom. Her mother had tidied his bed with the Voyager saucer headboard Chakotay made; but she left his desk and other things untouched. On his bedside there was a large photograph of Chakotay, and a smaller one with Chakotay and Edward. Both laughed into the imager when she had taken the photo. It had been one of their happier days, when Chakotay was pleasant and light-hearted, making jokes and teasing Edward. Those days they had such a rapport that she wanted to cry. Sighing, she sat down on the bed and took the photo, clutching it to her bosom. 

A tear rolled down her cheek, and the sob that rose from deep inside her, swelled and without regard for her determination never to cry, it spilled out, rocked her hard. Kathryn cried, deep wracking sobs that hurt her as her body heaved. When it finally stopped, she put the photo down. 

That was when she noticed, as she looked down, the PADDs lying on the floor, half hidden under the bed. She picked it up and knew with a sinking certainty that it was Chakotay's personal logs. 

**** 

 

tbc


	8. Chapter 8

Chakotay found him, thirty six hours later. 

Kathryn had decided to remain at the office; the apartment held too many memories and she hardly wanted to go into Edward's bedroom again. She was intensely worried, but underneath all of the distress lay her trust that Chakotay would bring their son home. She realised the need for her to remain at Headquarters and near the hospital at least, and she knew that she could coordinate from her office if that needed to be done. She knew that Edward couldn't have gone that far. The possibility of injury remained however, and she was unable to relax for any length of time. She had not had much sleep either, seeing Edward's face or Chakotay's as he looked just before he promised he'd bring Edward back.. 

It was late afternoon; most of the staff were leaving when Kathryn's vid-com beeped in her office. 

Flicking it on, Chakotay's face filled the screen. He looked drawn, exhausted, and there were tears in his eyes. She also noted he was in the upgraded Delta Flyer. 

"Chakotay! Any news?" 

"Kathryn..." Chakotay's voice sounded croaky, tired, and she detected a note of despair. 

"Where's Edward?" 

"I - I found, him, Kathryn. He - Edward managed to hijack a shuttle...one of the Benguela's..." 

"Your own ship? How?" 

"That later. Kathryn, Edward crashed the shuttle. I found it on a planet near Deep Space 4, not long after it crashed. I picked him up on my sensors and was going to intercept and tractor the shuttle." 

Kathryn felt dizzy, her eyes closed. Something buzzed in her head. Only when Chakotay called her name a second time, did she look at the screen again, her cheeks wet. 

"Is he hurt, Chakotay?" 

Chakotay gave a sigh. 

"I treated his burns, and managed to set some broken bones. I've stabilised him - " 

"Stabilised?" She felt the darkness descending and the buzz returning. Was Edward critical? 

"He's been badly burned, Kathryn. And Kathryn, he's in a coma. He suffered some trauma to the head..." 

"Oh, my baby..." 

Chakotay looked as sick as she felt. The colour left his cheeks. 

"There's more, Kathryn..." 

"Chakotay?" 

"I downloaded the shuttle's co-ordinates..." 

She turned ice-cold at Chakotay's words. Why had Edward wandered so far? Where was he heading? He couldn't possibly... She closed her eyes, tried to shut out the reality. Co-ordinates... 

"Where...where was he going, Chakotay?" she asked, her voice thin and raspy. 

"He was looking for the Rubber Tree People..." Chakotay replied. 

"The - the Rubber Tree People? But there's a small group on Earth..." 

"I know. But the largest contingent lives on Kilmarek, near Deep Space 4. I've been there once. I may have mentioned it to Edward some time ago. Yes...he was on his way there... My guess is he knew we'd search Earth first..." Chakotay said on a hollow note. "My ETA will be 0500. I've just alerted the EMH and given him the extent of Edward's injuries and he's preparing for our arrival. You need to rest. You're tired. It will be hours before I arrive. Edward will be fine, Kathryn..." 

She didn't want to tell him he looked completely drained. But she was relieved that Edward was in his care and that soon, the EMH would have their son up and about in no time. 

"You haven't slept either, Chakotay. It must be more than forty eight hours..." 

"I want to be awake when Edward opens his eyes. He - he'll need me, Kathryn..." 

Her eyes filled with tears. She could feel the miracle happening. 

"Will you come home to us then?" she asked. 

"My wife and son need me..." 

Her heart flowed over. She gave a sob, pressed trembling fingers first against her lips, then rested them on the screen. She saw how Chakotay's eyes closed, saw a tear roll down his cheek. Her hope soared to heaven. 

"Thank you." 

"You're welcome," he whispered. 

"And Chakotay?" 

"What is it?" 

"Edward is a whole lot more like you than you think, did you know that?" 

A glow of pride came in Chakotay's eyes. 

"Why do you say that, Kathryn?" 

"He crashed a shuttle." 

*** 

She was waiting with the EMH in the trauma centre when Chakotay arrived, carrying the unconscious Edward. Kathryn rushed forward, touched her son who looked so small in Chakotay's arms. 

"Edward..." 

The EMH had him on the biobed and seconds later, he started on a series of tests, nodded to the nurse to come forward and change Edward into hospital issue gown. Kathryn had grasped naturally for Chakotay. He pressed her close, kissed the top of her head and kept her a little away from the bed where they were busy treating Edward. 

"Admiral, Captain..." 

They hurried forward. 

"What is it, Doctor?" 

"I can get him out of his unconscious state, but his other injuries need to heal." 

"But he'll be okay?" Kathryn asked, too worried at how still Edward lay there, so pale. 

"Yes. He crashed the shuttle which isn't surprising since his father was responsible for crashing half of Voyager's shuttles and, he almost killed himself into the bargain. What was the young man thinking, going off like that in the middle of the night and - " 

"That's enough, Doc. We'll stay here with him until he regains consciousness," Chakotay said peremptorily. 

"Why don't both of you go home, get some sleep and leave me to do my work?" 

"Because," Chakotay bit out, "that's my son lying there, and when I found him, he was dying, you hear me? I'm not leaving him until I'm certain he's out of the woods." 

Kathryn stared up at Chakotay. He was about to drop down from fatigue; he was in need of a shower and probably hungry, but the way he spoke, his angered tones, and fevered, bloodshot eyes, the way he held her as if he would never let her out of his sight, she felt a little sorry for the doctor. 

"And I'm not leaving, Doctor." 

"Why do I have a feeling I'm back on Voyager?" the EMH asked in an aggrieved tone. 

When the Doctor finally placed a cortical stimulator on Edward's forehead, Kathryn wanted to shrivel up all over again. Edward looked so small, so helpless and so incredibly, stupidly brave to have wandered off in a shuttle alone. 

By the time Kathryn and Chakotay seated themselves on each side of the bed, Edward had been made comfortable. His broken legs and broken arm had been set properly; the internal bleeding Chakotay had managed to stop earlier, now also now cleared. Edward's burns had been treated and his skin looked healthy again. When she saw how Chakotay carried him, so close to his chest and so protectively, she had time to note how Edward's face was still burned, and there were some burn marks on his neck and arms. His skin looked sallow and he looked very, very sick. His head injury... 

Did she speak that thought out loud? 

"He'll be fine, Admiral," the doctor said. 

She felt relieved, her hand reaching for Chakotay's. 

"Thank you, Doctor." 

**** 

She had less need of sleep, so she watched as Chakotay held Edward's hand in his own big grasp. Chakotay couldn't keep his eyes open, and every time it seemed as if Edward stirred, Chakotay rocked awake again. 

"Rest, Chakotay," she whispered to him. There was another bed in the ward, but he shook his head, not averting his gaze from the child. 

"I failed him, Kathryn..." Chakotay said in a broken voice. 

"He just wanted your love." Chakotay nodded, closed his eyes and Kathryn saw again how a tear rolled down his cheek, how he battled not to break down. "Talk to him. He'll hear you..." 

But it seemed to her that it was already on Chakotay's mind. He leaned over and kissed Edward's forehead, brushing back his sleek blonde hair at the same time. All the time there remained contact between father and son, and even when Chakotay sat back in his chair again, but still leaned a little forward, he held Edward's hand in his. 

"Hey, little guy..." Chakotay started. The words were halting, pained, stalling in his throat before rushing out in spurts. "You know I could never hate you. M-Maybe that day when you were born... I looked at you and you looked at me and I wanted you to be mine so badly...so badly..." 

Kathryn's throat felt thick with emotion as she listened to her husband. Chakotay caressed Edward's cheek. He sighed softly. Another tear rolled down Chakotay's cheek and he wiped ineffectually at it. 

"I couldn't help it, you know. I kept thinking you weren't mine and the moment you were born, it was so miraculous I lifted you up myself and put you on your mother's bosom. Then I saw you looked different from me..." 

"Oh, Chakotay," Kathryn whispered, her hand stroking his hair as he buried his face on the child's body. 

"I kept thinking of the other man. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't help myself... I'm sorry, so very sorry, my son..." 

Chakotay threw himself against the child again and for a few seconds his shoulders shook in an agonised bout of sobs. Then it stopped abruptly as he raised himself again. 

"But you were mine, Edward. Mine and your Mommy's. I - I loved you from the start. When I could look at you properly and saw you were just an innocent little baby begging me to love you just like your Mommy loved you, I knew I was going to love you forever..." 

"He knows you love him, Chakotay. He always just sensed it, but he also sensed you were afraid..." 

Chakotay sighed as he rubbed the back of Edward's hand. 

"I hurt you, my son. You deserved to be loved completely. But I didn't want to lose you..." 

"Chakotay?" 

"I kept thinking that one day, you - you... I kept thinking that - " 

"Chakotay, honey," Kathryn started, reaching over the bed to touch his fevered face and to console him, "did you think that Edward might reject you because you were not his real father?" 

"I'm ashamed that I felt that way, you know. So I kept throwing it in your face, to keep myself from hurting if I lost you..." 

Kathryn had not noticed that her own cheeks were wet, that her tears dropped on Edward's hand. 

"Look at me, Chakotay, please..." Kathryn got up, walked round the bed and held Chakotay's head so that she held his gaze. "You're the only father Edward has, the only father he will ever have. He loves you to distraction, and if he went looking for the Rubber Tree People... do you have any idea what that means to him, to me?" 

Chakotay pulled her against him, his arms wound tightly around her waist as he buried his face against her for a few heartbreaking seconds. Then he released her and stood up, his hands on her shoulders. 

"Forgive me, Kathryn... Forgive me that Jaffen's son was not always mine. And - and he was mine, wasn't he?" 

"He is yours now, always has been, Chakotay. You're the only Daddy he has and recognises and holds up as his role model at school; whom he brags about when he's with his school friends. You're the Daddy he emulates. He tells everyone willing to listen that one day he'll get a tattoo across his left brow just like his Daddy..." Kathryn let the words sink in; the truth was beginning to dawn on Chakotay. She believed the miracle already started happening when Edward went missing and Chakotay, without saying goodbye to her, rushed off to search for his son. "I see you didn't know..." 

"Oh, spirits, Kathryn..." 

"Mommy? Dad?" 

****


	9. Chapter 9

Kathryn stood away from Chakotay as he sat down in the chair again. She thought absently that she would remember the scene for years to come. Chakotay had taken Edward's hand again in his big hand and with the other stroked the boy's hair. 

She saw how Edward's eyes were red, as if he wanted to cry and couldn't. Perhaps it was just his feverish condition after emerging from his coma. Kathryn liked to think they were Edward's tears. The child kept his eyes on Chakotay in an unwavering gaze. 

"I went to look for the Rubber Tree People, Daddy..." 

"I know, son." 

I know, son... 

Chakotay's words sounded like music to her ears. She prayed for years to hear him address his son just like that.

"And then I got caught in a plasma storm and the shuttle crashed." 

"I came to get you." 

"I knew you'd come, Daddy." 

"Edward, son..." 

"Yes, Daddy?" 

"I never meant to hurt you. I was not a very nice Daddy, I know. I kept hurting you, and the other night..." 

"Didn't you want me to be your son, Daddy?" Kathryn wanted to haul Edward right out of the bed and hug him close to her and protect him. But her boys were strong. It was something between them, a very important step they had to take. "I heard you say I'm not your son, but I am..." 

"I always wanted you. I was just scared, okay? I was scared that you - you - "

"I am half Quarran..." 

Chakotay closed his eyes, his face creased with pain. Kathryn's heart bled for him. 

"I know that, Edward. I never made you forget, have I?" He brushed trembling fingers over Edward's ridges. "I'm so sorry..." 

"But I never felt Quarran, Daddy." 

"Son?" 

"I mean - I mean that even though I may look like that, it's only on the outside, right, Daddy?" 

Chakotay was quiet so long that Edward looked at her, his eyes again like a young, scared doe caught in a forest fire. 

"Mommy?" 

"I know what you mean, Edward. You're a normal little boy guided by the parents who raised you from the day you were born. In your heart you know that Chakotay who watched you being born - " 

"Daddy was there?" 

This time Chakotay smiled, a slow smile that lit up his tired face. 

"I was there, son." 

"And if you were there, and you held me the moment I was born, that makes you my Daddy." 

"Well, yes, I suppose.." 

"And you said we could go fishing on Lake George." 

"Yes." 

"And go spelunking on Mars…" 

"Yes, son." 

"And you come to my school prize-giving…" 

"Yes." 

"And you'll watch me play parrisses squares..." 

"Yes, I think that can be arranged, but son, if I can't make it - " 

"I know, you'll be in deep space on a mission, but I'll send you the holo-vid of the games..." 

"Yes." 

Chakotay's smile became broader, relaxed. The strain that always marked his face whenever he was home, suddenly gone. It was as if a gate in his mind unlocked itself and unleashed all that he really felt for Edward, everything he had tried so hard not to show: fearless, brave, her once angry warrior became peaceful at last. 

"And I go with you to see Grey Eagle and we smoke a peace pipe together - " 

"Edward!" Kathryn exclaimed. 

"Don't worry, Mommy. I just hold the pipe…" 

"Yes, Edward, and…?" Chakotay asked, floored by his own openness to talk freely. 

"I pilot Daddy's shuttle - " 

"No!" 

"Mommy?" 

"You heard Daddy." 

Edward's eyes were beginning to droop; tired out by the talking and the excitement of seeing Chakotay so openly demonstrative, his voice began to slur. 

"Daddy…?" 

"Yes?" 

Edward raised himself a little from the headrest to touch Chakotay's tattoo reverently. 

"Will you take me to the Rubber Tree People one day?" 

This time Chakotay lifted Edward and held his son very close. For a few seconds Chakotay's hand cupped Edward's head, and Kathryn saw his tears soak into Edward's hair; she saw how Chakotay's hand trembled against his son's back. 

"Only if you pilot the shuttle…" 

"Sure, Daddy. I love you, Daddy…" 

"I love you too, my son..." 

****** 

Chakotay lay sprawled across the bed with the abandon of the excessively exhausted. He was naked, with the sheet flung loosely over his lower body. Lying on his stomach, Chakotay's one hand trailed over the bed and almost touched the floor. His head turned to the side where light streamed through the window. There was a calm in him, in the way he lay and breathed evenly, unhurriedly. 

Kathryn worked out the from the time she had sent Chakotay in a fit of extreme rage out of her home to when they returned late the previous night had been close to seventy two hours. On his way home from Deep Space 4 Chakotay must have taken the odd cat-nap, but he had been adamant when he hailed her from the Delta Flyer, that he wanted to keep awake because Edward needed him. 

Last night had been a revelation, and father and son were both exhausted. Edward had suffered severe trauma but he was over the worst, and his attempts to stay awake and talk to his father eventually took its toll on him. The last thing he said was "I love you, Daddy..." and Chakotay had given a sob as he pressed Edward back against the bed. The child had drifted into a deep sleep, and the smile on his face... Kathryn knew that everything between father and son would be alright. Edward had his Daddy, and Chakotay was not afraid so show his love for Edward. 

For her it had been the hardest thing. Even now, she still couldn't picture herself in a life with Jaffen, and it was something that still remained locked in Chakotay's heart, something he still had to confront, and ultimately, that she had to confront. She remembered at the time how she and Chakotay had wanted to have a baby, had tried for one and when her first bout of queasiness led her to sickbay, the only thing on her mind that she and Chakotay ever assumed, was that they were to be proud parents at last. 

How hard it had been for Chakotay when he realised the awful truth that the baby wasn't his, the last almost eleven years gnawed like a hungry dog at the foundations of their marriage, blighted their union and his love for a child that wasn't genetically his. That her own summation of being artificially inseminated by organised memory altering and mind control, was soon to be her myth blown to pieces when she was told, not by Chakotay, but the Doctor, that she slept with another man. 

Even now, as she thought about Jaffen, she couldn't picture him, or imagine herself being in his bed, kissing him and loving him and making love with him so that their mythical union produced a child. The idea was repulsive to her, because the only reference she ever had to a good relationship in which friendship, companionship, trust, faith, love and compassion abounded, as well as a deep and intimate knowledge of lovemaking with a man, was Chakotay. She loved him perhaps too much, and it had always been the blessed giving of the first six months of their marriage, before Jaffen and Quarra and...Edward. With Chakotay she experienced what she never had with Mark, with Justin, or with the holographic Michael. Chakotay was real, a man with flaws just like every other man, who put her up there as his queen. She hid nothing from him and he hid nothing from her. It was honest and achingly dear. 

She supposed with that framework, Chakotay found it impossible to come to terms with the fact that she, even though under mind control, could have experienced those same things with another man. 

There lay the root of their subsequent ten year long battle to deal with and come to terms with what had happened. 

Last night when they returned home, Chakotay was almost asleep in the transport. Later, in the shower, he stood nodding off with steaming water running down his body. She had taken a bath towel and walked him to their bed, all time dabbing his body as they walked. 

"Kathryn..." he slurred, looking at her with bleary eyes; her heart ached for him. 

"You're too tired. We'll talk in the morning." 

"I want to tell you something... I must..." 

"In the morning, honey," she said firmly and led him to the bed where he pitched forward and was asleep before his head hit the pillow. 

Now, it was almost midday, and her two afternoons off was a welcome respite arranged by Owen Paris so that she could be with husband and injured son. She would see Edward in hospital the afternoon, leaving Chakotay to wake up naturally. He was still deeply asleep and his body needed the rejuvenation. In a month he was to leave again on a long mission, and she gave a wistful sigh. Perhaps now, he would accept the promotion to admiral he was offered and be based at Headquarters. 

She had gone to visit Edward in hospital. He was sitting up in bed, in high spirits, although there was still a cortical stimulator secured on his forehead. He looked much better than he had when Chakotay carried him into the hospital. Kathryn thought idly that they still had to address the issue with Edward of stowing away and stealing shuttles and crashing them. She and Chakotay were responsible for damage Edward incurred. She sighed. She was just so happy that he was alive and that his faith in his father was restored. 

Edward naturally asked after his father first thing and Kathryn had given him a tender hug, telling him that his Daddy was resting and that he'd come by later the day. Edward didn't seem to mind, confident that his father would come later and they could play 3-D chess. 

"Mommy..." 

"Yes, what is it, sweetheart?" 

"I knew that Daddy would come after me..." 

"That's why he insisted that he'll go searching for you himself." 

"Yeah..." 

She made sure that he was comfortable again before she left. Later Gretchen and Adam Ponsonby would come by and entertain him. Edward was passionately fond of his grandmother and was fiercely protective of her. Kathryn shook her head. The two were great friends, but whenever they sat down to work on Math, Kathryn was out, away from their heated debates on the hidden mysteries of the theory of Mathematics. 

When she arrived home, Chakotay was waiting for her, and he held a set of PADDs in his hand. 

"Kathryn, I found these in Edward's room, on his bed." 

Did a cold whiff of air suddenly cool the room? 

"I know, Chakotay. He tried to access your personal logs of the Quarran period, I suppose." 

"The codes are encrypted." 

"I know." 

She watched Chakotay entered codes, and the next minute, he handed her the PADDs. 

"I think you should read this, Kathryn." 

"Chakotay, it's not necessary..." 

"Read it, Kathryn, please." 

She took the PADDs from him with trembling fingers and a racing heart. She studied the codes a second, mulled over the fact that Chakotay used old Maquis encryptions to secure it. When she looked up, he was no longer in the room. 

*****   
tbc


	10. Chapter 10

When Chakotay returned, he found her sitting in his big chair, and the PADDs lying on the floor about her feet. She looked at him through eyes that swam with tears, then she turned to face the window again. Her hands trembled as they rested on her lap, and even when he bent down next to her, she didn't move. She kept staring at the window, into the distance of the Bay with its water that lay silver in the late afternoon sun. Already a reddish glow swelled into the sky and blended with the blue, giving an unusual hue that she always found fascinating since their return to Earth. She could never stop looking at sunsets after they returned home. 

Theirs had been an odyssey to see Earth's sunsets again, and now, it was the time of day that she loved best. Yet now, even the beauty of the vista couldn't calm the raging unhappiness she felt, not for herself, but for Chakotay. Inside her something had broken at last. All that she could never understand of Chakotay's attitude, his reticence to talk, the constant detachment that she was powerless to heal and not understanding why Chakotay was like he was for so many years, in a blinding revelation made clear to her. 

Many times she couldn't understand why Chakotay didn't just get on with his life and put Quarra and Jaffen behind him. She couldn't understand, and not because through some ancient womanly ignorance of understanding a spouse's real needs, but the fact that she was completely, stunningly unaware of what had happened to her and to Chakotay. All the years she had been in a sense separated from the real life drama that surrounded her, Jaffen, Chakotay and an innocent child. All the years she harboured an illusion that Chakotay's logs may have shown nothing more revealing than the official logs. 

Anyone's private thoughts were private and if they were documented in a journal, even more so to be kept from prying eyes. She had never actively advocated intrusion that breached such privacies, and while Chakotay was privy to her private logs and she to his, his reticence over the years to reveal that aspect of his life as an officer on board Voyager and as her life mate, had often driven her to the point of extreme frustration. She had wanted to understand then, almost eleven years ago, and now, even though the last ten years had not been the happiest of her life, and of Edward's life. Somehow after reading the entries, she had aching empathy for Chakotay, and could understand his reason for not letting her in on an aspect of his life that was truly tormenting. 

She felt Chakotay touch her hand, call her name softly. She didn't look at him, couldn't look. Her heart was breaking all over again. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked in a quivering voice. 

"Maybe I wanted you to preserve your illusion, Kathryn," he replied hollowly. 

"It's hurting me, Chakotay...your truth..." 

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have read it." 

"It was necessary." 

"I'm sorry," he said again. 

"Tell me, Chakotay, about the day you revealed your identity to me..." 

Chakotay sighed. 

"You asked me whether we were friends. I said we were very good friends." 

"But you couldn't tell me that we were married." 

"You wouldn't have believed me, Kathryn..." 

"And Jaffen?" 

"You loved him, Kathryn." 

"I - " 

"It was the hardest thing for me to see. You were so open with him, so free and without the demands of any responsibilities..." 

"We - we were demonstrative?" 

"Kathryn..." Chakotay's voice was a low croak, deeply sad and mournful. There was a world of unhappiness in his voice. His eyes were damp with tears and as she looked at him she saw how the nerve in his jaw twitched. But this time, she knew he wanted to talk, even if it hurt so much that his heart was torn by it. "One day you told me you were moving in with Jaffen and I - " Chakotay paused a while, he swallowed painfully at the lump in his throat. "I couldn't dissuade you...There were a hundred Voyager crewmembers depending on me to be rescued; we had to get all of you off Quarra, and if I revealed anything, I would have blown my cover then..." 

"And then I moved in with him..." 

"You were happy, Kathryn, and I was jealous, blinded by my hurt and inability to save you and reveal to you my truth. You - you kissed often..." 

"Oh, God, Chakotay! No more... No more, please!" 

"One morning, I needed you to help me with the power grid and I was shot. I went to your cabin and - and - " 

"No! Don't say it! Don't say it! Don't punish yourself, Chakotay. No more, please..." 

But it seemed to her Chakotay didn't hear her. He gave a great, big sob.

"You were in bed with Jaffen..." 

Then Kathryn, blinded by her own pain, and angered that Chakotay suffered and she could never understand just how much, got up and slid down next to her husband and struck him. Her hand stung his cheek and for a moment it seemed as if he woke from a bad dream, seeing and recognising her. 

"I said, no more, Chakotay! It's killing you!" 

He gripped her shoulders, suddenly as fiercely angry as she was. 

"You wanted to read it; you wanted to hear it! Yes, Kathryn. I couldn't very well tell Jaffen he was having sex with my wife, could I? I couldn't tell you you were making love to the wrong man. You - " Chakotay's face contorted. "Oh, God! You looked so - loved... I died, Kathryn. I died maybe a thousand times. And when we finally got you back to Voyager, I left you with Jaffen so that you could say a last goodbye to him. Yes, I died..." 

"And then I fell pregnant..." 

"Oh, Kathryn!!" 

Kathryn wasn't prepared for the next movement as Chakotay swiftly hauled her into his arms and cried her name to the heavens. For a moment she was transported to a time when he had screamed at her not to die on him. That same desolation, fear and pain that lacerated every fibre in him was in the voice that cried out her name. His body rocked to and fro; he clutched her like he was drowning. There were no tears running down his face, but his eyes were burning, hollow, and the sobs that burst from him were dry, painful, wracking. If she didn't hold on to him like she did, he would have fallen over and curled up on the floor and just kept moaning in agony. 

She had no idea how long it was that they clung to one another, rocking, rocking, her tears dripping hotly against his face. She also didn't know how it happened that they were lying side by side. Outside the sky had turned dark, but it was a darkness that enfolded them like a soft cocoon, and inside the cocoon, the storm raged on. 

"No more... you've suffered enough. It's over, Chakotay...over..." she crooned all the time he held her. She stroked his face, warm and fevered while his body shook. It seemed that it couldn't stop, but she kept on, talking in soft, calming tones. "It's over, my love. No more pain...no more pain..."

Finally, when he was spent, he lay still beside her on the floor. She kept on stroking his cheeks, his hair, kissed his closed eyes, touched his lips. Occasionally shudders still rocked his body. Kathryn sidled closer to him, flung her leg over his legs. His face was close to hers and when he opened his eyes at last, he touched her face, discovering forgotten planes, reaffirming new ones, especially new ones. She let him touch, touch, discover, for as much as his odyssey of pain was over now, he needed to plot a new route, embark on a new journey with her, together with their son who was part of them. 

"It's over," she whispered. 

"Yes..." 

"Chakotay..." 

"Yes?" 

"It was out of my control, you must understand." 

"I always have, Kathryn." 

"Look at me, my love..." 

"I'm looking, Kathryn," he replied, giving her a watery smile. 

"I love you. I always have, even through those terrible days for you. It must always have been there, deep down in my subconscious. I love you, and I will never stop. Never, do you hear?" 

He smiled again, a tentative smile as if he were afraid to disturb the new journey, the golden thread that became stronger and stronger. 

"I was afraid... Forgive me, Kathryn..." 

"And we have a wonderful little boy who adores his Daddy." 

"He's a great kid, isn't he?" 

"Oh, yes. And he's the son of Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay." 

"No debate. We're to go fishing together as soon as he gets out of hospital." 

"You've been at the hospital?" 

Chakotay pressed her so that she lay on her back and he came up and braced himself over her. His voice sounded stronger; he was smiling with the dimples showing. His hand was in her hair and his face was very close to hers. She smelled him - the old, wonderful muskiness of his need to join his body with hers. And suddenly, she was not afraid. He would stay... 

"Told Edward not to expect us tonight, that Grandma Gretchen will look in on him and that Mommy and Daddy need to talk about things..." 

"Oh." 

She gazed into his eyes that were deep pools of love. 

"I worship you, my Kathryn. I cannot breathe without you..." 

How had it happened so soon that their hands were working in concert, divesting each other of their clothes? Chakotay's very breath became halted, deep, soft, heavy, hard gasps mirroring her own, his hand embarking on a brand new pilgrimage of passion, of seeing only Kathryn and feeling and hearing only her, to worship her from afar, from near. Every touch became a searing benediction of the glorious freedom that came with absolution. 

Chakotay was free at last. 

"I love you, Chakotay," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears the moment his shuddering body joined with hers and the room exploded about them. 

****   
short Finale to follow


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please note: There ARE only ELEVEN chapters. Somehow the numbering by AO3 is off.

She heard her name called; it came through thick mists that swirled around her, but yet it felt warm on her skin. She heard the echo of her name, and over and over it sounded. 

Kathryn Janeway opened her eyes and blinked several times. There was bright sunlight. Someone was holding her close and she was sitting on a bench. For a moment disoriented, she stared over undulating green lawns. Slowly recognition dawned, and the lawns became the grounds of Starfleet Academy. Kathryn heard sounds for the first time - ducks, birds calling as they flew about, children's laughter. 

The man who held her smiled. He had grey hair, cropped short like it had been all the years since she had known him. There was his beloved tattoo and the dimples that now much resembled long furrows like his own father. He didn't look old to her. He just looked distinguished, a quiet man whose inner peace resonated and sprung out in golden ripples to touch all around him. His hand cupped her cheek and she knew that her cheeks were damp. Did she weep? She did feel an indescribable sadness for a few moments, a sadness that must have been over a long time ago, but which came and found in her heart a temporary host. 

She had no recollection of coming to sit down with him on the bench, but she had no fear either. She knew that wherever she was, he was always near her, even close beside her and whatever distress she experienced, he came and shared it with her. 

"Chakotay?" 

"I saw you journey again to the past. I brought you here, to sit with me," he said calmly. 

She raised a hand to touch his tattoo, cupping his cheek. He pressed his lips into the palm of her hand. 

"You sensed I was going there, Chakotay. I knew you would come..." 

"And I knew you wouldn't be afraid, that I'd be there to hold you during those moments of your journey." 

"It's getting better now, Chakotay." 

"I know. The last time was when Edward went to the Rubber Tree People..." 

"He was almost seventeen, and he wanted his tattoo before starting at the Academy." 

"He's a great kid, Kathryn." 

"Who turned into a fine young man, guided by a great man. You've done well, Chakotay. You've done well." 

"Have you forgotten something...or someone, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, his eyes twinkling as the consternation dawned in her eyes. 

Kathryn grasped his jacket front and she gave a gasp. 

"Chakotay!" 

"I thought you'd forgotten Elizabeth was standing next to you." 

"Oh! Oh, my goodness." Kathryn started looking about her, and then Chakotay turned her so that she could see the duck pond glimmering in the distance at the lowest end of a lawn. 

"There they are... I told Edward to take care of his sister while I took care of their mother..." 

Kathryn peered over the lawns, to where she could see the duck pond. Then her eyes went very soft as she saw two figures, one an Academy cadet and the other a young girl of ten years. She saw the child look up to her older brother and even from where they were sitting Kathryn knew there was adoration in Elizabeth's eyes. Edward had, when Elizabeth had been a toddler, been an exemplary older brother, patiently holding his little sister, endlessly telling her stories of warriors and eagles and legends. From then on Elizabeth followed her brother everywhere, and always, Edward had been the patient one, fielding endless questions, trying to satisfy the child's enquiring mind. Kathryn's heart burned. Edward was so much like his father. 

But for the ridges, Elizabeth resembled her big brother a lot. They had the same blue eyes and colour hair. Elizabeth looked up at her brother and Kathryn could see her face as the sun bathed her in warmth. 

Kathryn could imagine what they talked about. She watched as Edward touched his sister's shoulder and pointed her to a spot at the other side of the pond, where a duck was walking with her brood following her and one by one, the duck waited at the edge of the water until all her ducklings were together in the water. They glided effortlessly over the water, the little ducklings never straying too far from their mother. Then Elizabeth pointed at something, or she said something to Edward and they both laughed. Edward rubbed his sister's head. Then they both stood up and it amazed Kathryn how much taller Edward was than the small-of-built younger sister. Kathryn remembered once Elizabeth asking why she didn't have the nice ridges that Edward had, and even that uncomfortable moment was handled by Edward with so much love and compassion that Elizabeth had tears in her eyes. 

So their children - Edward, twenty one years old, and Elizabeth Mara Janeway, ten years old, walked up the small rise towards their parents. Edward held Elizabeth's hand and for a moment Kathryn was transported to a time when Elizabeth was born and Edward had waited impatiently outside while inside and right there by her side, Chakotay held her hand. 

Today, they could laugh at the way Chakotay, Daddy again, burst into tears when he held his baby girl in his giant hands as if he were presenting her to the queen, saying, "See? I knew you'd look like your mother." 

Kathryn was only vaguely aware that Chakotay's hand held hers lovingly while they waited for their son and daughter to join them. Her tears were never far from her heart, and for a moment her hand gripped Chakotay's tightly. 

"Oh, Chakotay, I do believe we've been doubly blessed." 

When Edward and Elizabeth were a few metres away from them, he let go of his sister's hand and she walked to her parents. But Chakotay rose to his feet and took Elizabeth's hand. 

"Come, your mother wishes to be alone with Edward for a while." 

Edward remained where he stopped earlier and he opened his arms for her. Kathryn Janeway walked into her son's embrace. He held her like that for long moments before holding her away from him so that he could look at her. 

When he smiled, he reminded her so much of Chakotay. 

"Thank you, Mom...for everything..." 

**** 

END


End file.
